Baby Steps

This is just a teeny update before bed. Today I went into town by myself to meet my boss for a coffee. We had a nice chat over some iced coolers in costa. I overcame my panic and went out, to the place that makes me most anxious. Although it made my head spin, today I won. 

Feeling Chilled

I had a really lovely day yesterday. My boy and I have recently started playing a Dungeons and Dragons style game on Wednesday nights (I can't remember if I've mentioned this before or not). Well yesterday we played at our dungeon master's house (that sounds WAY more sinister than it actually was - basically there was six of us playing a fantasy game in the kitchen). Anyway, I'd been feeling pretty anxious about it since it had been suggested on Wednesday. The people that we're playing with are basically strangers. I'm funny in people's houses that I know, let alone new people. 

I spent the first hour a little uncomfortable, but I soon loosened into it. Our DM had cooked lunch, and whilst I'm strange about people preparing my food, I had a little nibble so's not to be impolite. Mostly I drank his home made sangria (which was amazing, by the way).

Boy and I went out for dinner after that. Today we went for a swim in the morning and then had our first yoga class in the afternoon. I'm feeling a little sore, but generally very relaxed now. I had a little set back on Saturday night but I'm hoping things get better from here. 

Platypus Part Two

I was looking at my (totally non existant) platypus army again. I bought another crochet book to try and make learning a little easier. It got me thinking about the cute little platypus in general.

When I was little I loved Ty Beanie Babies. I must of had at least a hundred, I'd spend my pocket money on them near enough every week. But there was one I never had, Patti the Platypus. 

I used to work for Birthdays, the greeting card store. Just before out store closed down last year, we got a whole lot of Blue Nose Friends in and one of them was a little blue Platypus called Yabber. I bought him immediately. He is sitting next to me right now as I type this. 

There are not nearly enough platypus things over here in the UK. I am going to make my platypi army and Yabber can have lots of new friends. 

 

Saturday

Saturdays are the sort of day that I can't stand. I always hated being off work on a Saturday, but yet hated working it at the same time. And now, I can't even remember what it's like being at work at all.

I've been off for well over a month now. Time seems so frozen still, but it still passes just the same. This week has been a mixture of really fun activities and total mind melting silence. I've been in a helpless haze for much of it. Not even sad. Not even bored. Just glazed and out of touch. 

The future has been frightening me, the thought of it. My mind keeps wandering forward when I wish it would stay glued to the spot. 

Headache. 

Maybe a mug of tea will help. 

Big up, Way Down.

I hate how really good days are often followed by really bad ones. Yesterday was the day of the jumble sale, and after spending the whole of Saturday baking furiously, it felt really good to see my hard work paying off. I had a bit of an icing disaster in the morning though - about half of the cupcakes icing had melted overnight. But I managed to sell about 2/3 of my cupcakes so I was really pleased, and I've learnt a lot about what to do next time (assuming there is a next time).

It all got a bit bad after that. I had two nightmares last night, the second worse than the first. I feel so out of sorts today that I can't bear to even think. I just want to curl into a ball and have a cry, but I know that'll do next to no good. 

I'm going round to my grans for lunch. I hope the walk makes me feel a little better. 

So I haven't really written much about what I've actually been up to this week. Turns out, quite a bit.

I went back to the Fringe on Sunday and saw a couple of magic shows. One featured the cutest little dog! It was doing card tricks (sort of) and genereally just being the most adorable thing ever.

I saw a councillor on Monday about all my anxiety issues. Its going to be a fairly recurring thing. I was so nervous about it before it happened. I'm still pretty nervous about it. I've been on edge for a good portion of this week so far. Especially on Tuesday after I spoke to my boss. I haven't heard his voice in almost two months. The idea of going back right now scares the hell out of me. 

Apart from those things I've been busy preparing for the jumble sale this Sunday. I have a lot of work to do between now and then, and I'm so extremely nervous about it. I'm mostly scared that no one buys any cupcakes at all. Boy says its all going to be okay, but I'm so scared. I just wanna get it over with now. 

Irritable

I'm annoyed today. Everyone always says honesty is the best policy. So you tell the truth, you say why you're upset about something and the other person goes 'I'll try not to do that anymore'. Turns out I'll try means I don't give a shit, I'm just saying that to placate you. 

Why bother? Why even bother?