Baby Steps

This is just a teeny update before bed. Today I went into town by myself to meet my boss for a coffee. We had a nice chat over some iced coolers in costa. I overcame my panic and went out, to the place that makes me most anxious. Although it made my head spin, today I won. 

Feeling Chilled

I had a really lovely day yesterday. My boy and I have recently started playing a Dungeons and Dragons style game on Wednesday nights (I can't remember if I've mentioned this before or not). Well yesterday we played at our dungeon master's house (that sounds WAY more sinister than it actually was - basically there was six of us playing a fantasy game in the kitchen). Anyway, I'd been feeling pretty anxious about it since it had been suggested on Wednesday. The people that we're playing with are basically strangers. I'm funny in people's houses that I know, let alone new people. 

I spent the first hour a little uncomfortable, but I soon loosened into it. Our DM had cooked lunch, and whilst I'm strange about people preparing my food, I had a little nibble so's not to be impolite. Mostly I drank his home made sangria (which was amazing, by the way).

Boy and I went out for dinner after that. Today we went for a swim in the morning and then had our first yoga class in the afternoon. I'm feeling a little sore, but generally very relaxed now. I had a little set back on Saturday night but I'm hoping things get better from here. 

Platypus Part Two

I was looking at my (totally non existant) platypus army again. I bought another crochet book to try and make learning a little easier. It got me thinking about the cute little platypus in general.

When I was little I loved Ty Beanie Babies. I must of had at least a hundred, I'd spend my pocket money on them near enough every week. But there was one I never had, Patti the Platypus. 

I used to work for Birthdays, the greeting card store. Just before out store closed down last year, we got a whole lot of Blue Nose Friends in and one of them was a little blue Platypus called Yabber. I bought him immediately. He is sitting next to me right now as I type this. 

There are not nearly enough platypus things over here in the UK. I am going to make my platypi army and Yabber can have lots of new friends. 

 

Saturday

Saturdays are the sort of day that I can't stand. I always hated being off work on a Saturday, but yet hated working it at the same time. And now, I can't even remember what it's like being at work at all.

I've been off for well over a month now. Time seems so frozen still, but it still passes just the same. This week has been a mixture of really fun activities and total mind melting silence. I've been in a helpless haze for much of it. Not even sad. Not even bored. Just glazed and out of touch. 

The future has been frightening me, the thought of it. My mind keeps wandering forward when I wish it would stay glued to the spot. 

Headache. 

Maybe a mug of tea will help. 

Big up, Way Down.

I hate how really good days are often followed by really bad ones. Yesterday was the day of the jumble sale, and after spending the whole of Saturday baking furiously, it felt really good to see my hard work paying off. I had a bit of an icing disaster in the morning though - about half of the cupcakes icing had melted overnight. But I managed to sell about 2/3 of my cupcakes so I was really pleased, and I've learnt a lot about what to do next time (assuming there is a next time).

It all got a bit bad after that. I had two nightmares last night, the second worse than the first. I feel so out of sorts today that I can't bear to even think. I just want to curl into a ball and have a cry, but I know that'll do next to no good. 

I'm going round to my grans for lunch. I hope the walk makes me feel a little better. 

So I haven't really written much about what I've actually been up to this week. Turns out, quite a bit.

I went back to the Fringe on Sunday and saw a couple of magic shows. One featured the cutest little dog! It was doing card tricks (sort of) and genereally just being the most adorable thing ever.

I saw a councillor on Monday about all my anxiety issues. Its going to be a fairly recurring thing. I was so nervous about it before it happened. I'm still pretty nervous about it. I've been on edge for a good portion of this week so far. Especially on Tuesday after I spoke to my boss. I haven't heard his voice in almost two months. The idea of going back right now scares the hell out of me. 

Apart from those things I've been busy preparing for the jumble sale this Sunday. I have a lot of work to do between now and then, and I'm so extremely nervous about it. I'm mostly scared that no one buys any cupcakes at all. Boy says its all going to be okay, but I'm so scared. I just wanna get it over with now. 

Irritable

I'm annoyed today. Everyone always says honesty is the best policy. So you tell the truth, you say why you're upset about something and the other person goes 'I'll try not to do that anymore'. Turns out I'll try means I don't give a shit, I'm just saying that to placate you. 

Why bother? Why even bother? 

Adventure Days

My week has been very up and down, and I've been feeling very anxious throughout. My plans changed three days in a row, and whilst it all got resolved, it left me feeling pretty shook up. When plans change suddenly my anxiety skyrockets.

I had a very good day on Thursday though, which is the centric point in this post. My three best friends and me got up pretty early and took a boat ride to Millport. We spent the whole day there, eating in small cafes, painting ceramic horses in psychadelic colours and taking tandem rides around the island with ice cream and milkshake pit stops. It was easily the best day I've had in a long time. A day where I could just relax and explore and most of all be outside.

I guess the point is that even in the midst of a bad week, theres always goodness and good things and good people. 

Fringe

I'm writing this post from my phone, so I'm guessing it won't look exactly like my other posts do. Ah well. This is just a little update anyways.

Today my boy took me to the Edinburgh fringe. We saw a Seann Walsh show and also Terry Alderton. We had dinner in Frankie and Benny's and he bought me a cute little Stitch ring for my collection. Overall, it's been a really great day. 

Daytime Drinking

No, I have not turned alcoholic. I went out today with one of my friends for a pizza and then a cheeky cocktail. I think I needed it after having trecked up to my work to hand in another sickline. It was awkward, to say the least. I had no idea what to tell my colleagues. I still don't really know them that well, so I skirted around the truth. Was just happy to be out of there afterwards!

I saw my cousins yesterday, and had some of my aunt's birthday cake. I also bought some very lovely drawing pens. I have started drawing a silly little diary thing, just for something to do. It makes me smile doing it and I feel relaxed afterwards. I might scan some on some time.

I've been thinking about the cupcakes more and more every day. I'm starting to get my confidence back with those, which is handy since the jumble sale is in two weeks time! Eeek! 

Vacuum Bags

The weekend seemed to come and go in a bit of a whir. And I think I'm about to make a shocking statement. Please don't be offended.

On Saturday and Sunday, I watched the original Star Wars trilogy for the first time.

Yes, I'm 23 years old and managed to get up to this point in life without seeing it or knowing anything about it. By the end of the last film I can honestly say it was a weekend well spent. 

I went for a swim this morning. Today has been the first day in a few weeks that I've given any thought to baking cupcakes or getting excited about them.

Random statement? I can't actually remember if I mentioned this up until now or not but for the past year or so (since I was told I was being made redundant and it didn't happen) I've been thinking about starting a baking business. Every day I would think about different baking creations and all the different things I could do with them. I'd been thinking about it more seriously this year, after things at my work sort of took a nose dive. The anxiety and depression I've been feeling in the past few weeks completely took over any drive I had for that. But this morning I started thinking about them again.

In approximately three weeks time, I'm baking 130 cupcakes for a jumble sale. Its the first time I'll be making so many and seriously selling. I'd already been making preparations since the start of June but today I picked up the reins again and started developing more ideas. I'm excited about it again, and I don't want that feeling to disappear any time soon.

 

Platypus Army

I survived my trip to work yesterday, although not without its setbacks. I was ten minutes into the train journey there when the train decided to stop moving and have a points failure, rendering myself and everyone else on the train stuck.

My mum was with me, thank goodness. It ceased the panic. Although it got me thinking, this happened just a few weeks ago, first thing in the morning, on my way to work. At the time it was so early that nearly no one else I knew was awake. I was totally alone, on a broken train for over an hour (and ended up 40 minutes late for work to boot). I looked back on that morning a few days later and took it as a sign. I'd had a weeks holiday off of work and didn't want to go back. My first day and that happened. And now, when all this pressure is pushing on me, it happened again, on my way to the same place.

I'll admit, I do read into things. But I don't think it's silly to ask; is this fate trying to tell me something? Should I just had in my resignation and never go back?

More questions than answers at the moment. Hmm.

After the initial jaunt to work yesterday, I went into WHSmith and bought a magazine on crocheting and knitting. Basically I wanted to knit a hat, but then became consumed with crocheting this little toy platypus that is in the book.

I kid you not, I spent the majority of yesterday evening trying to make this platypus. It did not happen. I woke up this morning and was consumed by it once more. When I went out for coffee with my mum and gran I bought a dumbed down book on how to crochet.

And now, I am finally getting somewhere. 

I know its totally ridiculous, but its given me something visual to work on. The fact I can't do it (whilst totally frustrating in itself) is giving me something to channel all my energy into.

So watch this space for my platypus army, because I WILL make at least one!

Wobbly Day

I woke up this morning feeling panicked. This is the first time since Monday that I have felt properly in panic mode from waking up. I lay in bed and didn't want to move. 

My mum came in and sat with me. Today I'm supposed to be going up into work to hand in my sickline. 

On Monday, I'd been off for three days prior. I thought that panic I was feeling then was for the week to come and what I'd do with it. But now it's starting to feel a bit more clear.

Thinking about going in there is frightening me. I just can't work out why. 

I've had some battles with the company I work for - some that I shouldn't get into now and especially so publicly. But I think this might be the root of my problem, which just feels so ridiculous. I have a sales job. Its not particularly difficult. I don't save lives. People don't depend on me to cure illness or solve world problems. I sell things. I'm pretty good at it. So why does such a low risk job make me feel like such a flight risk?

Questions. 

My mum is coming up with me. I feel a little calmer now, but my hands are still trembling. I'll probably check in once I'm home. I just wanted to get this all out and write it down.

Nice Words

I've been trying to keep busy today. Its only lunch time now, but I've found that giving myself little lists of things to complete during the day really helps. So far I've been down to the health centre, painted my finger and toe nails and sat outside on the bench with some tea and read a little bit. I'm going into Clydebank soon to pick up some storage boxes so I can make a start on sorting out my bedroom.

My friend came over yesterday. She brought spaghetti hoops and helped me look for classes on the internet. There's a yoga class on a Wednesday morning that I'm thinking of going to (starting next week of course). We went for a little walk, then later my boy took me to the cinema and we had a couple of sundaes.

I got a really lovely email this morning from a guy I used to work with. I wanted to share it because I feel like it's something thats relevant and that I should look back on when I feel low to try and push me forward.

Reading your email doesnt sound like the LJ I once knew and loved. When I worked with you, you knew what you wanted, you knew where you wanted to go in life, with camera work or writing books and baking cakes. You were a girl that wanted it! When I worked with you, you wanted supervisor and you finally got it. Cause I had it! Now get your finger out the clouds, forget whats happened and forget who put you down and go for the future. 

Sometimes Mark really has his breakthroughs. It really made me feel a lot better. So it's time to stand up, dust off and just do it. And remember that it's okay to feel scared and overwhelmed and get down. Just not to stay down.

Star people do not shed tears, but light.

 

Shakes

My body can't seem to stop trembling today. So far I haven't had any attacks of panic or sad, thats always a good thing.

We had thunder and lightening this morning. I'd already gotten up by this point but I decided to go back into my duvet and hide for a while. 

I've been thinking a lot about things today. How if I want things to change I need to help myself. Similarly, I need to ask for help when I feel like I need it instead of expecting everyone just to know. 

So I've thought up a list of things I can do to help myself. Things I've wanted to do but just haven't, and things I enjoy doing but don't do enough of.

1 - Take an art class. I've wanted to for ages but I can't seem to find one in my area. Logically there has to be so I'm gonna try and look harder

2 - Start going back to yoga. I used to go before and then my work schedule made it nearly impossible. I'm going to start making more of an effort now that my hours have completely changed (although I'm not at work right now anyway - who knows how long that'll last though)

3 - Change my job. Which is something I've wanted for so long but I got comfy. I want to start my own business, but I'm thinking that when I'm feeling a little fragile I should work up to that. So in the meantime, I'm gonna look for something else, something that doesn't stress me out so much. Or at least causes me worthwhile stress. This is something I should go back and examine because my job is one of the main factors in my endless cycle of panic. But thats for another time.

4 - Go walking more. I think being out the house even for half an hour a day really helps me to clear my head. I always feel a bit more in control after I've been for a walk.

5 - Volunteer somewhere. I always wanted to work with animals but I never got the grades to be a vet (to be honest, it wasn't and still isn't my life dream). I do love animals though, and I think getting to be around them on a semi frequent basis might be quite uplifting.

That's what I've come up with so far. Wish me luck, gonna try and make all of these happen. 

Messy

I woke up today feeling bad again. Seems to be the norm at the moment. I was with my boy, and I didn't want to put it all on him. But I think the more I bottle the more likely I am to explode and thats pretty much what happened. I had an emotional explosion all over him and I don't think he was ready. 

I've cried a lot to do. I feel so frustrated and stuck in my own body and I want to claw myself out. I saw my best friend today too and we talked about a lot of things. I'm taking a sick line from work. I've been prescribed an anti depressant. I think the time for pretending that this isn't happening has gone. Long gone. Now I need to deal with it, face it, and hope for the best.

The heartbreaking thing is that I can see the worry and the frustration on the people around me. Its hard for them in a way I can't understand. They see a girl getting upset and panicked sometimes for no reason. Her life is good. Why can't she accept that? Why cant she be happy and relax and enjoy life?

I want to. I want to. Maybe if I keep saying it I will? My brain is jammed. Its taking my body with it. We see a future but its too scary, lets just hide in the corner until a genie shows up and makes all our wishes come true.

I know I need to grow up. I need to be a big girl. I need to learn. Baby steps.

 

Little Thanks

I'm just about to sign off for the night, but before I do I wanted to post a little message (check me out, two blogs in one day again!)

The afternoon turned around. From not being able to get out my bed this morning to now, I feel so chilled. I ate some animal biscuits and my boy brought me in a pizza and let me sleep on his chest even thought I totally missed the film we were watching. My lovely friends have been texting me to let me know I'm in their thoughts. I feel so happy and contented tonight, and more secure than I've felt in weeks. 

In short, there are some lovely people in my life and I couldn't move forward without them. 

Mind Nap

I went to see my dad's band play on the Renfrew Ferry last night. The entire time I was there, even though I was surrounded by my friends and family, I felt very anxious. I sat at the table staring at my glass of water tensed and ready to bolt for the toilets to cry at any moment. I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't shake it at all yesterday.

As I walked home with my friend later that night, we sat at the top of some stairs just before her house in the dark and I had a good cry. I tried to let everything that was pent up inside me out. How messed up my brain feels, like it's a big puddly of mashed potato. The good days, even good hours in a day, are stretching farther and farther away. I feel like I'm shackled to this feeling and I desperately want to escape, but just can't. I can see how things would be better, but I don't know how to get there.

What I don't understand most is how people can still love and care about me when I'm such a volatile mess. How can they want to be there for me when I feel like I'm being so selfish and self indulgent? 

We parted just around one in the morning. I plugged my headphones in and listened to Bruno Mars whilst I walked through the village. The moon was very yellow and big.

I read a little bit of Love, Stargirl in bed. I've read that book at least once a year since I was a teenager. Now felt like the time to read it again. 

There is a passage, where Stargirl remembers something Archie said to Leo. 

Star people do not shed tears, but light.

I've been thinking about this all day. How Stargirl was moping and upset and how she pulled herself out of it, realised she had to be herself. I want so badly to pull myself out of this. Be the me that I was. Shed light. 

Shed.
Light.
Tears don't bounce. Light does.

 

Swings

I've had a nice day today. I went to see Monsters University with one of my good friends. I even managed to eat a whole plate at Frankie and Benny's (I haven't managed that in a few weeks). Yet I feel strangely disappointed. I can't quite pinpoint why, but all I feel is disappointment.

I had a moment this morning when I went to an empty swing park, listened to Owl City and had a good old swing. I actually felt better. I felt properly happy for the minutes that I was up in the air, looking at the sky and listening. 

I can't grasp onto that feeling. Things fall through. Life changes. It constantly changes and everything changes with it. And I desperately just want things to be the way they were. I can't let myself be swept away in the moment.

Some Thoughts After Work

I know this is my second entry today, I'm just feeling a little reflective. I've had quite a good day today, Smudge is feeling a lot better. I had lunch with a friend before work and after work I chilled with the boy. Even work was quite good today. Not an awful lot of pressure, just an easy wee night.

It got me to thinking about interactions with other people. How I can't seem to take things at face value and how I need to work on that. For example, if I'm expecting a particular response from someone and they give me a different one, my mind instantly jumps to the worst case scenario. 'Why didn't they say it this way?' My mind goes 'They don't see you the way they say they do' when in real life, they're making a perfectly logic statement or response and for them, it's just a natural reaction. Nothing has changed. Their thoughts and feelings towards me haven't changed. Its me that is taking them the wrong way. A way they weren't intended to be taken.

I'm trying to remind myself of this every day. I feel better today. I only had a little upset (a smidge, really) when I was preparing to go to work. I feel more relaxed tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better, so long as I stay strong and keep reminding myself to just live for today and accept things as they are. 

Up and Down

Smudge was allowed to come home last night. We had to syringe feed him, and he was looking very weak, but he's slightly improving. He is spending the day in the vets again. I don't want to be happy about his improvement in case I jinx it (is that ridiculous?). I want him home for good.

I had a nice night last night, in the pub with my friends. They wanted to keep me out of the house, which I'm really grateful for to be honest. Left to my own devices I just dwell on everything. 

The past couple of days I'm pulling myself out of these funks a little easier, but I still get so down and upset over nothing. It makes me feel like I'm letting people down, or bothering them when they have problems of their own. I know my friends have problems, and I know my boy has troubles too. I don't want them to be scared to come to me just because I'm always piling on them. I think this blog is partly so I don't pile on them anymore.

I just want things to go back to normal. Where I can look forward to things without this imminent sense of panic. Where I can not feel like a failure for not being happy and grateful for my life. I think just now it's more that I'm afraid of living. The world scares me. I panic. I lash out. Feel guilty. Feel sad. Worry about abandonment. 

I want to just suck it up for everyone elses sake. 

Rabbit Anxiety

I had a really nice night last night. The kind of night that happens and you think 'actually, maybe this whole spell has all been in my head and everything is actually okay'. I woke up this morning and everything is decidedly not okay.

My mum was standing next to me at twenty past seven this morning, informing me that my bunny (Smudge) wasn't moving. He had been perfectly okay yesterday night when I said goodnight to him. He's always so active.

I got up and went outside in my pyjamas and crouched next to the hutch. I'd been trying not to cry, I didn't want to wake up and immediately feel sad like I have been lately, but I looked at his little face and the tears just came. His eyes were closing and his feet were sliding every time he tried to relax. 

I waited til nine and phoned the vet. My dad took him in right away, and he's currently receiving treatment. He has static gut - a condition that my first bunny died of just over a year ago. With Pumpkin, we never caught it soon enough and she died during the initial examination. Smudge's chances are 50/50, and I'm utterly terrified.

I've been trying to take my mind off of it. I can't. The worst bit is that I need to shake myself off and get ready for work. I'm so scared that if he dies I'll be there and I won't be able to handle it. I just want him to pull through and be okay. His little furry face is always there when I need to talk. He isn't a particularly affectionate rabbit - he prefers using your legs as a diving board then getting petted, but he's such a little character, and he's always doing funny things, and I don't want to live without that.

A Little Background

So, this is my first blog post as the pondering elf...I'm not really sure where to start. I'm using this just as an outlet, a place to vent and to get thoughts that are whirring around inside my head out. 

This isn't a self indulgent moaning or whining thing. I think that writing things out will maybe make them easier to deal with. So I guess, here it all is. Inside my messy little brain.

I've had a bit of a weird time lately. I've had pretty bad anxiety for most of my life and I thought I had managed to put the majority of that behind me. That turned out to be quite wrong.

For the past few weeks or so, I've been having random episodes of sad. Not for any reason - nothing particularly sad or distressing has happened to me. But the tears come. The need to cry overwhelms me then this wash of panic follows. It keeps me up at night. It wakes me in the morning, and then it looms over me like a cloud during the day. It lurks around the corner. It makes me lash out at people and push them away. 

Basically I'm writing all of this out so it hopefully lets me deal with the random sad a little easier. I think the turning point came yesterday morning. I woke up feeling unhappy, soldiered on and went to work. For the first hour and a half of my shift I was alone (which usually, I quite enjoy actually). Within ten minutes I was crying into the daily sales rally, hands shaking as I debated whether I was too old and pathetic to phone my mum. I went out onto the shop floor, still crying and feeling completely irrational (because again, this just crept on me, on the sly, for no reason). I had work to do, and I intended to push myself and do it.

Sometimes things just don't work out that way. I knew my close friend was working the same shift as me in another one of our branches. With a lot of trepidation I ended up giving him a call, having no idea what else to do.

It must have been a pretty sorry (and probably amusing) sight to witness. Small blonde girl pressed against a wall holding a hook full of glittery gift bags in one hand and crushing the phone with the other. I felt so torn between 'have a cry and hide' and 'just suck it up and keep moving!' And the guilt for calling up my colleague at eight twenty in the morning wasn't a great feeling either.

The point is, I can reflect on it now, but at the time it felt crushing and scary. Every day prior to that had been building to that moment. All the random outbursts, all the little tears. I just want to move forward. And I'm hoping, writing this will help move that forward.

x