Messy

I woke up today feeling bad again. Seems to be the norm at the moment. I was with my boy, and I didn't want to put it all on him. But I think the more I bottle the more likely I am to explode and thats pretty much what happened. I had an emotional explosion all over him and I don't think he was ready. 

I've cried a lot to do. I feel so frustrated and stuck in my own body and I want to claw myself out. I saw my best friend today too and we talked about a lot of things. I'm taking a sick line from work. I've been prescribed an anti depressant. I think the time for pretending that this isn't happening has gone. Long gone. Now I need to deal with it, face it, and hope for the best.

The heartbreaking thing is that I can see the worry and the frustration on the people around me. Its hard for them in a way I can't understand. They see a girl getting upset and panicked sometimes for no reason. Her life is good. Why can't she accept that? Why cant she be happy and relax and enjoy life?

I want to. I want to. Maybe if I keep saying it I will? My brain is jammed. Its taking my body with it. We see a future but its too scary, lets just hide in the corner until a genie shows up and makes all our wishes come true.

I know I need to grow up. I need to be a big girl. I need to learn. Baby steps.