Mind Nap

I went to see my dad's band play on the Renfrew Ferry last night. The entire time I was there, even though I was surrounded by my friends and family, I felt very anxious. I sat at the table staring at my glass of water tensed and ready to bolt for the toilets to cry at any moment. I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't shake it at all yesterday.

As I walked home with my friend later that night, we sat at the top of some stairs just before her house in the dark and I had a good cry. I tried to let everything that was pent up inside me out. How messed up my brain feels, like it's a big puddly of mashed potato. The good days, even good hours in a day, are stretching farther and farther away. I feel like I'm shackled to this feeling and I desperately want to escape, but just can't. I can see how things would be better, but I don't know how to get there.

What I don't understand most is how people can still love and care about me when I'm such a volatile mess. How can they want to be there for me when I feel like I'm being so selfish and self indulgent? 

We parted just around one in the morning. I plugged my headphones in and listened to Bruno Mars whilst I walked through the village. The moon was very yellow and big.

I read a little bit of Love, Stargirl in bed. I've read that book at least once a year since I was a teenager. Now felt like the time to read it again. 

There is a passage, where Stargirl remembers something Archie said to Leo. 

Star people do not shed tears, but light.

I've been thinking about this all day. How Stargirl was moping and upset and how she pulled herself out of it, realised she had to be herself. I want so badly to pull myself out of this. Be the me that I was. Shed light. 

Shed.
Light.
Tears don't bounce. Light does.