Smudge was allowed to come home last night. We had to syringe feed him, and he was looking very weak, but he's slightly improving. He is spending the day in the vets again. I don't want to be happy about his improvement in case I jinx it (is that ridiculous?). I want him home for good.
I had a nice night last night, in the pub with my friends. They wanted to keep me out of the house, which I'm really grateful for to be honest. Left to my own devices I just dwell on everything.
The past couple of days I'm pulling myself out of these funks a little easier, but I still get so down and upset over nothing. It makes me feel like I'm letting people down, or bothering them when they have problems of their own. I know my friends have problems, and I know my boy has troubles too. I don't want them to be scared to come to me just because I'm always piling on them. I think this blog is partly so I don't pile on them anymore.
I just want things to go back to normal. Where I can look forward to things without this imminent sense of panic. Where I can not feel like a failure for not being happy and grateful for my life. I think just now it's more that I'm afraid of living. The world scares me. I panic. I lash out. Feel guilty. Feel sad. Worry about abandonment.
I want to just suck it up for everyone elses sake.
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